We all try so hard to control our own lives. Relinquishing our own will and accepting God's will for our lives is probably the hardest thing we can ever do. It seems we all must go through a lot of pain and sorrow before we ever get to that point.
Being alone has always been one of my hardest struggles. When I was younger I did a lot of wrong things to fill the void. I went to bars and hung out with the wrong people and got myself into several abusive relationships. I began to wonder if I had a sign on my back saying, "abuse me." It took me a very long time and a lot of heartache before I finally stopped trying to do things my own way and submitted my will wholly to God.
I knew in advance the only way I could do that was to sincerely desire His will for my life, no matter what it might be. This mean giving up what I wanted and accepting whatever He might want for me. There were a few things I wanted that were pretty hard to let go of, but when I looked at the mess I was making doing things my own way, I was a little more willing to hand it over to someone who knows better. It was my first lesson in trust.
The hardest thing I had to give up was my desire to have a good man in my life. I was never good at relationships and I longed to have a good man to share my life with. Now I was faced with whether or not I'd be able to accept spending my life alone. I was not sure if I had enough trust. Did I really believe God knew better than I did what was best for me? Then I was reminded of how God tells us "Our ways are not His ways." While I was thinking of being loved by a man, He was trying to make me see that He loved me more than any man on this earth ever could. He was offering me Perfect love and I decided I wanted it. That's when I knew I had really submitted my will to Him.
In my favorite book, "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard, the main character, Much Afraid, goes through many trials and tribulations before she is finally able to give up her own will. The book ports her trials as a journey through treacherous terrain and when she finally lays down her will, it's illustrated as her pulling her flesh heart out of her chest and laying it on an altar. That's pretty much what it was feeling like to me. But the story has a happy ending with Much Afraid's old heart being replaced with a new one, a spiritual one filled with faith and hope.
I've been alone for a pretty long time now and still do not like it much, but I try to fill my time reaching out to others. God never fails to bring someone into my life that needs encouragement or some kind of help and I'm always busy. I still get lonely and discouraged at times, and sometimes even a little resentful. It seems I'm always taking care of someone else and my life is not my own. It just does not seem fair. Then it hits me and I have to smile. My life is NOT my own. (Thank God.) I remind myself of how, left to my own devices, I bring nothing but heartache and pain on myself. My life is HIS, it's in His hands, and I'm so very thankful.
There are always going to be hard times in your life. Do not come down on yourself if you get discouraged at times, you're only human and it's natural to feel that way. But, every hard time you go through has a lesson for you to learn, whether it's patience or endurance, or just an invitation to lay it all down and give it to God. You do not have to do it all yourself. He's waiting for you to reach out to Him.